A Personal Reflection on Romantic Bonds and Friendship
There are so many beautiful people you’ll meet in your lifetime, people who shift the way you see the world. Some are just passing through. Others leave a permanent mark. And then there’s a select few who shake your spirit so much, you think, “Oh yeah, this is it.” You fall into something romantic. It might start slow and sweet or spark like a wildfire. But regardless of how it starts, it doesn’t always last.
When it ends, it doesn’t mean it failed. It means the connection changed. Sometimes what you want from someone, no matter how beautiful they are, just isn’t meant to be romantic. It’s a hard truth. One that hurts. But one that also opens the door to a different kind of closeness, if you’re open to it.
There have been people in my life I couldn’t imagine not loving. And even when it didn’t work romantically, the care didn’t vanish. What do you do with that? Is friendship a realistic next step, or a slow spiral back into confusion?
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Why It’s So Hard to “Go Back” to Friendship
Let’s be honest, “going back to friends” isn’t just a button you press.
You shared private moments. Secrets. Silly pet names. Inside jokes. You’ve seen each other naked, physically, emotionally, or both. That kind of closeness doesn’t reset overnight. The memories still linger in your home, in your playlists, in the way you drink your coffee (because they put you on oat milk and now you can’t go back to regular).
So when people say, “We’re just friends now,” it sounds simple, but the path to just friends is often a maze.
Even harder? The outside noise. “Why are you still talking to your ex?” “That’s messy.” “You must still want them.” In queer circles especially, and in the lesbian community in particular, friendship with an ex gets labeled as toxic before anyone asks why it’s still happening.
But the real issue isn’t that the friendship exists. It’s how intentional, and healed both people are in choosing it.
Sometimes we jump into romance too fast. We crave connection, affirmation, or chemistry, and we skip over the part where we ask: “Should this person actually be my friend instead?” And when it doesn’t work out, we don’t know how to step back into a non-romantic space without feeling like we’re losing something.
When Friendship Is Still Possible (and Healthy)
I know some folks won’t agree with this, but let’s sit in it for a second: being friends with your ex can be healthy. Like, genuinely, no-strings-attached, healthy. But only under very specific conditions, and after a whole lot of honesty.
You need time. Not the “let’s grab brunch two weeks after the breakup” kind of time. Real time. Time to grieve. To feel your feelings. To unlearn the patterns you built while dating. To detach.
Then, and only then, can you check in with yourself and ask: “Do I still want this person in my life, or do I just miss the comfort?”
Friendship with an ex should never be a loophole to keep them around. That’s where people get caught up. They confuse lingering feelings with a sign they should be friends, when really, they need to heal separately.
But when both people are genuinely over the romantic part, what’s left can be incredible. You’ve already seen each other vulnerable. If you can reestablish trust and healthy boundaries, you can build a friendship with real depth and longevity. In fact, the former romance might make the friendship more honest if it’s not weaponized.
For some, their best friendships came out of a failed situationship or relationship. Dating for a hot second, realized they were better as homies than lovers, and now they can be the person to call when they are spiraling. There’s no weirdness. Just mutual respect and real love.
5 Boundaries for Being Friends with an Ex
If you’re going to make this friendship work, it has to be built differently. Here are five non-negotiable boundaries that helped me, and might help you, too:
- Create New Rituals
Don’t go to the same spots, do the same movie nights, or keep the same pet names. That stuff belongs to the relationship. The friendship needs new energy and fresh habits. - No Talking Every Day (At First)
Right after a breakup, constant communication is a trap. It feels familiar and comforting, but it can prevent you from letting go. Give yourselves room to breathe. - Limit Physical Intimacy
A lingering hug, sitting close on the couch, those things can blur lines real quick. Keep your bodies in check while your hearts reset. - Check Your Intentions Regularly
Ask yourself: “Am I keeping this friendship going because I want them back?” If the answer is yes, it’s not friendship, it’s hope disguised as connection. - Be Transparent in New Relationships
Don’t downplay your past. If your new partner asks about your ex-friendship, be honest. Hiding it only creates suspicion. And if your new partner has concerns, listen, but don’t let jealousy dictate your boundaries. Balance is key.
But What About New Romantic Relationships?
Whew. This is where a lot of friendships with exes hit the wall.
New partners, especially ones who’ve been burned before, will question why your ex is still in your life. And honestly? That’s fair. If the roles were reversed, you might feel the same.
The key here is clarity.
If your friendship with your ex is solid, rooted in truth and boundaries, it should enhance your integrity, not threaten it. But if there’s unresolved tension, or you’re still low-key hoping for something more, your new relationship is gonna suffer. Period.
I’ve been on both sides. I’ve dated someone who was still besties with their ex, and I could feel the emotional leftovers. And I’ve had to tell a new boo, “Yes, we dated, but it’s not like that anymore,” and really mean it.
If you’re going to keep your ex in your life, make sure your new person:
- Feels secure, not sidelined
- Knows your history, not some watered-down version
- Is never made to feel like they’re competing with a ghost
If you can’t do that, maybe it’s not time to be friends with your ex and be in a new relationship. Pick a lane. Be honest about where you are.
You Don’t Owe Anyone “Friendship”
Let’s be very clear: you do not owe anyone friendship.
Sometimes people romanticize this idea of “staying cool with your ex” like it’s a badge of maturity. Nah. Sometimes cutting ties is the most grown-up thing you can do.
If someone hurt you, manipulated you, or made you feel small, friendship isn’t the next step. Closure doesn’t require contact. You can forgive someone and still block them. You can honor what you had and still walk away.
I’ve had exes I truly cared about that I had to walk away from. Not out of anger, but out of self-preservation. Not every relationship is meant to transition. Some things are meant to be honored in the past tense.
So don’t let anyone guilt you into being “cool” when what you need is distance.
What If Friendship Was the Goal All Along?
Here’s a radical thought: maybe some romantic connections are just detours on the way to deep friendship. Maybe the mistake wasn’t dating. Maybe it was trying to force a love story when what you really needed was a lifelong friend.
In queer communities, especially among women and masc-presenting folks, the lines between friendship and romance blur easily. We’re taught that intimacy = romance, and that once you cross that line, there’s no going back. But maybe there is. Maybe you just need time, boundaries, and emotional maturity.
So, can you be friends with someone you used to date? It depends.
It depends on who you are now. Who they are now. How the relationship ended. What you’re both looking for in this next chapter.
But if the friendship is honest, healthy, and rooted in respect, it can be one of the most powerful relationships you’ll ever have.