For me, 2021 started a bit rocky. It started with the worst case of depression I have ever experienced but I was determined to not let it get the best of me. You probably know all about my experience from My First Year with Seasonal Depression and recently you have learned the things I put in place to battle this depression on my post Things That Are Helping Me Cope With Depression. So it was only fitting to set the tone for 2021 as accountability. Because in order to make and maintain change, accountability is a key foundational item to make sure you can look yourself in the mirror. Too often we lie to ourselves so much about everything relating to ourselves that we actually begin to believe it and we cut that shit out.
accountability noun
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ac·count·abil·i·ty | \ ə-ˌkau̇n-tə-ˈbi-lə-tē \
Definition of accountability
: the quality or state of being accountable
especially: an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one’s actions
Now that we have a definition of accountability, let’s expand on this. Being accountable for your actions is an obligation or willingness. That means you find it important in a moral way. That this is something you place value on as important. Not only do you find this important you WANT to do what it takes. To be accountable you find what’s in front of you as important and you want to take responsibility for your OWN actions.
Truthfully, we don’t all have the same morals and values but this is about you and you alone. That your morals say, “Hey that ain’t right” but also that you want to do better. We all do things we know we should not do, we ignore signs that we should pay attention to, we don’t do things we should and we could all make better choices in some situations. The difference between those who want to grow and those who do not is that those who want to grow know their actions were against their morals and want to do better. The others lie to themselves that their actions were not that bad which makes facing your fuck ups easier.
I refuse to be the person who lies to themself about doing stupid shit anymore. Two summers ago, I told my therapist that I was going to be in these streets and have a hot boy summer because I was putting in the work to be better but I wanted to do hoodrat things with my friends. My therapist said, “ Do what you want but be sure you are accountable for everything you do and you clean up your own messes. The moment it becomes a conversation in here, that’s (my hot boy summer) over with.”
Whew, sis ain’t come to play no games with me!
Since then accountability has been heavy on my spirit. I struggled with it because sometimes it sucks to tell yourself, you were wrong or that you fucked up. But, if I wanted to grow I had to swallow my pride and face my actions. So this year, I made sure that not only I was being accountable for my actions, that my friends were checking me when I didn’t check myself, and that I was doing the same for them. Because you see, I view personal growth the same way people view getting to the bag, I am putting my friends on too.
I no longer want to live a life of lies to myself. I want to be as honest and open with myself about not just the good but the bad because growth starts here. Change lives here.
Since focusing on accountability, I have been more honest with myself about how I look, how I feel, what I feel, when I am being dumb when I am wrong, and even when I am not as great as I let on to be. Not only have I had some major changes, so have my friends. We are better at approaching our wellbeing and our choices. Due to this honesty, I was better at combating depression, I am better at maintaining my habits even when I fall off, and I am overall happier when I look in the mirror because I am not just a healthy person for someone else whether its friends, family or even work, I am a healthy person for myself.
