The Me Too movement has opened up the conversation about sexual harassment, rape and rape culture. For centuries, women have been taken advantage of by men, but there is a group we never discuss and their contribution to rape culture and sexual harassment. Oftentimes, women forget that they too can be predatory and not solely the victim. As a lesbian, straight women have been predatory to me and I’ve witnessed them do it to other lesbians.
My friend Mimi said, “They always become predators once they hear I am gay, from the touching to the rubbing and it’s always I’ve never kissed a girl before, they think it’s okay because they are also women but the shit is mighty uncomfortable. I’ve had women literally kiss me without my permission because it’s what girls do.” Straight women believe that it is harmless to push their fantasies on lesbian women but it is not okay when that lesbian does not want that attention from you. You discredit and devalue their sexual preference with the belief that predatory actions are harmless since we are both women. What if a straight man did this to a straight woman? She would be upset.
Unlike Mimi, who is feminine, most people know from the moment they see me that I am a lesbian. For Mimi, these actions amplify after the cat is out the bag that she is a lesbian. None of the same women who made inappropriate advances when they knew she was a lesbian made those same advances when they thought she was straight.
On Tinder I have seen several couples who want a lesbian or bisexual woman to have sex with or be their girlfriend. That is totally fine, especially when the idea is reciprocated but I also see just as many if not more women put on their Tinder profiles that they do NOT want to be your third. Women can want romantic relationships with other women without it being seen as some fantasy act. Loving women is real life for lesbians and they don’t want to be treated as your unicorn or fantasy.
Many lesbians do not like straight women romantically at all. They believe straight women are around only to toy with their emotions and heart because at the end of the day they do not want a woman they want to spend their life with a man. They might as well be the worst of the fuck boy’s out here. Mimi went on to say, “I’m not interested in straight women because getting a woman isn’t an ego thing for me I hate dykes that do that shit, “I turned her out” that’s big weird energy to me. I like my women experienced in women and know how to satisfy a woman.”
Mimi said a lot here. She wants a woman who is truly into women and experienced in women. This is her real life and not some fantasy world of a straight woman wanting to have an experience for a moment. Mimi’s love life is more than still moments with various straight women who want to have an experience with a woman to add to her resume. Her life isn’t 6 flags or some place for straight women’s amusement. On the other hand there are many lesbians who think that bedding or catching a straight woman is some achievement in which they need a lesbian girl scout badge for doing. I used to be one of them. I believed that it was some great feat to sleep with a straight woman. As I matured, I saw how much time I wasted playing games with straight women. I even began to see the truth in their actions towards me. I figured out that these women did not really want me, they just wanted attention and that I needed to set boundaries on my body, space, mind, time and my love. The aggressive actions of straight women are predatory and for the longest I have never saw it that way.
I never saw all of the times drunken straight women would inappropriately interact with me as predatory. This is not to say lesbian or bi women were not aggressive but rarely were they inappropriate. I saw the actions of straight women as harmless as well but I no longer welcome their actions, so they need to move on. I have had women at work think because I am a lesbian that they know, that it is okay to come on to me at work. Most of them were in relationships with men but flirts and approached me in a way that if a man in the workplace had done the same it would have been an HR issue. I have had women in the club do the same or even worse, simply because they believe it is harmless and most of the time I do not want their attention.
There needs to be more conversations about the devaluing of lesbians by all people, including straight women. The harmless concepts of sexualizing lesbians needs to be talked about. The sexualizing of lesbians by straight men and women needs to be talked about. We need to have this conversation more.