Figuring Out Monogamy

I have several reasons why I do not want to be monogamous, which I will explain further into this but first let’s think about the information and history of the idea of monogamy.

Monogamy is the practice or state of being married to one person at a time. The practice or state of having a sexual relationship with only one partner. Although we don’t know where it started the general idea is that lower ranking males started using the alternative strategy of pursuit of one woman, whereas, the higher ranking males either had many wives or many concubines. This in return made women feel better as they were the only ones receiving attention, love, protection and more from a suitor. In essence, this was a concept created by men to benefit men because women were not historically polygamous.

Polygamy is marriage with more than one spouse. When a man is married to more than one wife at a time, it is called polygyny and when a woman is married to more than one husband at a time it is called polyandry. Even in polyandry women aren’t truly the leaders of this concept. This was/is practiced in Nepal, parts of China and northern India and is typically when two or more brothers are married to the same wife.

As a woman how is monogamy, polygamy, polygyny or polyandry beneficial to you? Now, I am sure there are SOME benefits to this as a woman but overall, issa no.

I’m sure I could go into more detail in great length but do you really need any more? Lol

About Me

I had two very different relationships on different ends of the monogamy – nonmonogamy spectrum.

Relationship #1

I dated someone who highly encouraged me sleeping, interacting and hanging out with other women. Granted I was very young and was not as in tune and understanding of who I was like I am now but this concept gave me too much freedom. Although, I loved her, her encouragement drove me in the direction of another person, mostly because I was not mature enough to sleep with someone and stay committed in my relationship. Additionally, she lived a good distance away, that did not help either. On the contrary, the typical stress of a relationship and a long distance relationship at that was not there because we talked about everything. I was not afraid to have attraction, look at, converse with or even desire other women. Being able to talk about those things and not feel bad about it was a very freeing feeling.

Relationship #2

I dated someone who is possessive, jealous, and what believe as insecure. Although she knew when she met me that I was very friendly, she hated that about me. I recall a time before we were even dating when I was being very friendly with the girl in the window at a Starbucks drive through and she said something like “I don’t know how you could have a girlfriend because you are too friendly.” That instance I wasn’t over the top or flirty just friendly. So, she knew going into the relationship my personality and yet wanted me to be something else. Since I believed i needed to be monogamous i changed i stopped being a flirt let alone just being friendly. I changed so much to adjust to monogamy that I lost myself. The thing we did not have was the communication. I could not think about my natural thoughts and desires of other women nor could I express it without it being a fight or issue.

Two very different experiences and two different ways that I learned what suits me best and what I believe should be MY norm. Relationship #1 taught me those feelings and desires are not bad and that it is okay to have them. It also taught me a level of communication that I believe is important in all relationships. Relationship #2 taught me I needed that level of communication and the ability to be myself to feel normal.

So, what does this mean? For me, it means I do not want the concept of monogamy to rule my relationship or love life but this does not mean I want to be promiscuous my entire life. I like the idea of sexual exploration. When I say sexual, I mean the natural desire you have and attraction to other people, the interaction or even the act of sex. Currently, I like to go out and flirt or maybe even get a phone number or social media account and all it does it makes me want to go home to whoever I have and wake them up for sex. Being free to do that and not feel the pressure of “that’s wrong, don’t do that” stressing me out.

I read about a couple who is in an open marriage who don’t actually sleep with other people but are okay with the idea of sexual exploration. She states the most important part about the open marriage is the OPENNESS. She later says that traditional relationships feel based on the idea of maintaining love through polite fictions, that we claim our partners are our best friends and that we tell them everything but that it’s only true to a certain extent. Then she explains that the importance of her open marriage isn’t the sexual openness but its the emotional openness. If at any point they want to sleep with someone else they will talk about it honestly.

Monogamy is something that is more difficult to maintain than most people want to admit because we are not genetically designed to mate with one partner for life. Did you know that only 3 to 5 % of all mammals are monogamous?

Your relationship is for you and your partner to define, not your family, friends, society, social norms or history. You decide what deal breakers are in your relationship. What do you consider a deal breaker? What do you consider a betrayal? A violation of trust? Or act of dishonesty?

So Where is the Issue?

Do you think you will lose trust? If so, that’s not true because nonmonagamy promotes honesty and undermines betrayal. You open your relationship to deeper communication which opens the doors wide open for trust.

Do you think you set yourself up for betrayal? I mean, come on, any relationship is putting you in the position for betrayal, monogamous or nonmonogamous. In a monogamous relationship it demands only one sexual relationship which can create a higher chance of betrayal and secrecy because you are not supposed to desire someone else, so you hide even the more innocent feelings of just attraction. Yet, again, honesty is important.

What bothers me is as humans our inability to communicate honestly with the people in our lives who we love and care about. Why not open your relationship up to a concept that allows for us to be able to easily express our needs, wants and desires without the stigma of thinking some of our natural thoughts are wrong. That stigma promotes dishonesty, stress, insecurities, and more. I do not want that for the person I love. I want them to feel how they feel and express how they feel freely and converse with each other about everything so naturally and freely. As the lady in the open marriage expressed its about the openness of communication, trust and honesty with each other and herself.

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